CHAPTER 1 – Second part

drag_queen_by_elias_chatzoudis-d5bn7aw

When, after my six-hour shift as a waitress in a small restaurant on the seafront of Malibù and my poor lunch that consisted only of a burnt egg, I went to my second job as a waitress/actress in a small drag queen nightclub in the trendiest area of LA, I already knew that the night would be a big crazy mess and I was right.

Do not get me wrong, I loved my second job. After I graduated from the The Lee Strasberg Theatre & Film Institute, my dream was to become a star of Hollywood, or Brodway or television at least, really, any part in any theater would have been enough. But I only managed to get the role of a mother in two advertisements of a popular chocolate candy bar, before setting aside my career to marry a tall basketball player, who would lately prove to be a cheating pig that regularly slept with his fans during transfers. After the divorce, I tried to start acting again, but I was ten years older and ten pounds heavier. Nobody wanted to hire me. They treated me like I was eighty instead of only thirty-two, and my being a little plump did not put me in the sexy and curvy zone, but only in the fat zone.

Zone Lander, the club of Riki and Miki, had been my salvation. I went there looking for a job as a waitress and instead, thanks to the flu contracted by one of the drag queen, I got to go on stage and show everyone what I could do. Riki had been enthusiastic about my ability to be able to pretend to be a man who pretended to be a woman who pretended to be an entertainer explosive and sexy, so now in addition to waiting tables, I could also perform, and actually do the job that I had always dreamt: acting. I admit that my ego was rather dejected by the fact that all the clients really believed me a man. I had always considered myself a very feminine woman, with all my curves and plumpness, but certain drag queens were so sensual and feminine on the stage, that receiving indecent proposals from gay men who thought me male, was indeed almost a compliment.

Furthermore, it was impossible not to admire the art of transformation of the queens. To see the work and expertise they put in their metamorphosis was almost a mystical experience. They were a crazy, vain and too extroverted bunch, that was impossible not to love, because inside of them were hidden fragilities and unfathomable depths as well as a wisdom that went well beyond their age. And most of all, what really surprised me, was their generosity. They immediately included me in their drag family without qualm and, in just a few days, became almost like sisters to me. Sisters with hearts that were even bigger than their wigs.


Sadly the arrival of the aliens did not pull out their best side, but only their gossip whore side. Each of them, had her own opinion on the matter and did not hesitate to express it, so that, when I walked into the dressing room that we all shared, they were all talking at the same time on each other, creating an incredible chaos.
-Have you seen how hot they are?! – Mixed Salad was saying, while applying with a firm hand her long neon-green fake eyelashes.

Cleopatra gave her a thrust with her padded hip, to claim a corner of the mirror and finish to put on the fourth layer of eyeliner -Yeah, these aliens are like sex on a stick! I’d do them all!

Pignacolada, who was squeezing her considerable bulk, that allowed her to be able to honestly say that she had natural breasts despite being a male, into a pink dress made of ostrich feathers, glanced at her – It’s not great news, you’re a whore who fucks everything that breaths… They are aliens, Cleopatra! What if they are a carnivorous species that wants to eat us all?

-As far as I’m concerned I would eat them without problems. Just suck them dry – said Cleopatra, before bursting out laughing. Her amber skin was highlighted by a short gold egyptian-style tunic, and her long legs, which I envied shamelessly, seemed to go for miles.

-I wonder how they make sex. They seem just like us…- Selene was the most serious of the group on the topic, and it was logical, since she lived and breathed alien conspiracies and unsolved mysteries. X-files was her bible. Not for nothing her favorite costume was ‘The sexy space girl in a formfitting see through jumpsuit’.

Tonight, for example, her silver makeup with electric blue lipstick, completed perfectly her very short spacesuit in steel glitter and gold, with inserts of sequins, and her metallic antennas were just the cherry on top of the cake.

-I always knew that there was someone up there, and that sooner or later we would have met them, but did not expect to be so lucky to be able to attend the event. And what’s more, I can finally know which one of the theories about the aliens was true! For years scientist have spoken about insectoid aliens, Pleiadians, kidnappers, reptilians. But now that we have seen them, it’s clear that they are Pleiadians, the Nordic-looking people.

I cleared my throat and made my entrance –It seems to me that they look elven more than Nordic, don’t you think? Maybe they are related to Legolas….

My joke made them all laugh, except for Selene that gave me a serious look -It is not something to joke about. We’re talking about real aliens, with a real purpose that has pushed them to reveal themselves after centuries… I do not expect anything good.

I was puzzled – I thought that you would have been happy to see their existence revealed. You have always believed in them.

-I’m glad to have been right all along, but I can’t help to ask myself: Why now? They have said to have observed us for centuries, why reveal themselves at this point?

Cleopatra silenced her, waving her majestic feather fan –Don’t be a spoilsport. They are hot, and there is always space for hot men on the planet. I’s like we’re living in the song Raining men. It’s raining hot aliens here, giiirls!!!!!!!! – then she sent a mischievous look in my direction -And speaking of hot men. I heard through the grapevine that Max, our beloved bartender and the only heterosexual male employee in this place, had broken up with his girlfriend last night and needs to be comforted. I’ve seen how he looks at you when you’re on stage, Laura, this is your chance to finally get back on track. By now you will have cobwebs on your pussy, given the time that has passed since the last time you have gotten laid!

– It’s not true! I go out with men, but it’s difficult to find someone decent these days. Somebody ready to start a family or ready to be in a serious relationship.

-You don’t need something serious, just something fun! Sex will relax you, hon, you need it to survive, while you search for the perfect mate.- added Pignacolada, with too much gusto for my taste. -You must flirt with Max, and if he tries to come on you, girl, per Dios, bed him, I beg you. You need to get some.

-I don’t need anything, especially all of you putting your nose in my affairs.

-What affairs? If you had any, we won’t need to…Ouch! Cleopatra! Why on earth are you kicking my sheen?

-Because you need to shut your big mouth, Pignacolada!- Claopatra shouted at her, before coming near to take my hands. Then she started speaking softly, like you would to a frightened child. -Laura you don’t have to see it like an intervention to save you from your dry spell. We don’t want to force you to do anything. But he is straight and free (now that his snotty and skinny girlfriend has left him), you are single and etero, it’s destiny!

-Yeah! It’s so romantic – said Anana, my patner on the show, blond young and almost naked, appearing from behind the curtains of the dressing room. She is really a he, naturally, but you would never tell, seeing her in her Britney costume, with her body to die for. She is practically a Pamela Anderson look-alike, dressed up for the video Baby one more time. Even her brain resemble Pamela Anderson’s –You and Max will fall in love, marry, have tons of children and I will be their auntie! – she said to me and then started humming the nuptial march.

-Oh! What are we? Two years old!?- lamented Selene. -Anana, honey, you have gone too far too fast, we don’t want to scare Laura, remember? We just want her to get laid.

-Oh.- Anana seem disappointed.

-Go on the stage baby, just go – said Cleopatra, rolling her eyes.

-Ok. Good luck with Max, Laura!- said Anana sauntering on the stage with a big smile on her face. She was always happy, always.

-Poor thing when God delivered brains, she must have missed hers – Selene commented.

I felt I had to defend Anana -Yeah, but she is the sweetest thing.

-Yeah, and thank God she can dance, or she would have starved to death, if she had to rely on her smarts. She is sweet as a candy but dumb as a post.- said Cleopatra.

-You only envy her, because she is married to a great guy -I said to her.

-Honey, Tom is a good man: hot, a soldier and sweet like her, but I would not want to trade place with Anana, I’m not ready to settle down. I am too young and beautiful, to deny the gay men of the world the chance to bed me.

-And modest too – I commented, while I started getting ready for my show.

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